I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
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I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
We’ve come full circle