Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
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judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.