If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
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“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.