me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
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Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.