I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
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The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food