You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
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“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Nice try, poison.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”