Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
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If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?