You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
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Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”