Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
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[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I think I鈥檓 a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There鈥檚 only water animals there
2: Cows!
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
[6 陆 hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we鈥檙e regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
馃毇No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I鈥檝e had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.