It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
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Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous