HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
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I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
We decided to have money instead of children.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.