I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
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My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Just parrot things
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.