My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
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The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?