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What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
groan^2
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within