SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
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WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”