leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
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[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Sharon, call the vet
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer