My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
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If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
A double negative is a big no-no.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Think I pulled my liver