I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
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Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!