My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
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an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.