“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
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My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
i wish i could marry a nap
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
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“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
all that yoga finally paid off
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.