I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
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My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
A tragic love story in two pictures.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”