I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
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and now we wait
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
“You’d better run, egg!”