My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
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My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
When they try to steal your moment.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.