The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
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people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go