Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
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OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Feels like there should be a middle ground
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.