[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
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[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.