*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
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I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out