Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
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“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?