Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
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Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Probably my best painting.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.