6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
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i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.