My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
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See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.