The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
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Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.