Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
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{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.