Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
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Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
What
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
😍😂🥰😂😍
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?