Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
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Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
There are no pants in heaven.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY