Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
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Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.