“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
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I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}