I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
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I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Go hard or stay average
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
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Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table