what is cheese if not milk persevering
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“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.