Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
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My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
synchronized noseblowing
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
how high up are we talkin’?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
just gave your address to some spiders
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs