my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
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Pass gas, not judgment.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I am yelling
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
The 4 stages of a family vacation
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!