Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
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when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.