My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
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The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.