My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
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If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
put ‘er there pardner!
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”