If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
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“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
me as a parent
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”