My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
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grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
When they try to steal your moment.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
spicy snake
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”