If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
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Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt