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Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door