WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
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The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
New Tinder profile.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Good boy 😂😂
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof