My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
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3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
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they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.